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January 2011



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Jan. 24th, 2011

For a pessimist, I'm pretty optomistic

Today's my son's birthday. His fourth. This is clouded over by the fact that today is the three year anniversary of my brother's car accident that left him crippled and handicapped. Tough times. I mean, how shitty is it that everytime I get remotely excited about it being the day my son was born... a special day... I get this overhwelming guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach because I'm somehow supposed to feel bad about my brother. It's unfair, really. Not to mention my parents, who treat this day like it's the day their son died and went away forever- even though he's still alive- and want to mourn and grief, or what the fuck ever, instead of celebrating their grandsons day. It was my sons birthday before it was my brothers accident day, people. Its bullshit, really. And I want to feel good, but it gets outweighed by the fact that Brad is my brother, and this was a hard day for everyone, too. I feel like it shouldn't be that way.

Anyway, things here are going good. We're in Port Huron, which I'm loving a whole lot. We finally got our internet, phone, and cable hooked up today. God, I missed having internet. Three months without it and tv... and phone? I was going out of my mind. People who say they aren't technology driven... I'm convinced their lying. I'm loving the new house. The kids are happy. It feels like things are finally falling into place. After so much shit going bad for us, it's finally going up. It's going great. I haven't felt like this in a while, and it's a wonderful feeling.

College is on the horizon. I'm nervous as hell. It's been four years since I left high school, and I'll be starting all over again? I haven't even figured out what I want to do for a major. I just want a set career. I want to not be BELOW the poverty line anymore. I mean, we make twelve thousand a year, at best. We're broker than broke. I want something that'll last and pay good. I want to be able to put my kids through college and give them opportunities that I never have. Basically what every parent wants, right? Well, the time is coming, and I want to put my head between my legs and disappear whenever I think about it. It's scary, but necessary. I'm partly convinced it'll be okay when I finally get around to starting it all. Oh, and Junior will be starting school in September. THats even more terrifying. I'm sending my baby out into the world for the first time, and whenver I think about it, I start hyperventillating. Being a mommy shouldn't be this scary!

That's the sum of things, really. I'm sure there's more I'll blog about later, but you're pretty much caught up.
Write again soon :)

Dec. 28th, 2009

shit I suck at updating!!! No, I won't apologize for it.

I just realized yesterday that I'm a shitty online journal updater! Like... awfully shitt. But it's okay cause I'm going to make up for it today in what I'll consider my longest most stupid blog yet. Just cause I can!

So... last night was super eventful. Actually, these past few days have been nothing but super eventful. If you don't consider the fact that we just celebrated Christmas Eve and Christmas... no, I'm not talking about that... I'm talking about the fact that we had to move in under a week, while we were doing the holiday shit. We started packing about two weeks ago and picked a day- Saturday- that we were going to get out of our place. Yeah, the whole move in one day thing went over spectacularly(insert extreme sarcasm here) and without a hitch. Actually, that's only what I wish I could say. Instead... everything went to shit. I learned the other day just how much you can rely on the assholes you often call family. See, they were the ones who were supposed to help us move, after all, how many times have we gone out of our way with helping them move dozens of times?

Well, I've offifically learned just how much we mean to our family members, considering that they really didn't do shit for us. We got my dad to pick up his wagon and bring his van over to help us move, figuring this was a good idea cause we could move a lot faster. No. This didn't go over as hoped for. The biggest reason being that he wanted to leave early enough to head down to the city and spend his time with my handicapped brother, like they do every single weekend, and have done most of since christmas break started. They have spent ALL their time down there with him. I asked for ONE day, just one. Could I get that... no! He helped us make two runs with the van and the wagon, only loading up the wagon with our bigger stuff... completly disregarding the smaller stuff that we actually needed. TWO runs... and he decided he was done because he HAD to get down there with my brother. Only, I found out yesterday that they ended up not going down to see him that night and spent another night at home. Guess who got to leave half her shit at the old house cause we didn't have a bigger vehicle to put it all in? That's right... me. We ended up having to make eight more trips in the car, cramming as much as we could in it as possible, and still not having enough room for everything.

NO ONE really helped us. Me and ken finished up the rest of our stuff and left everything we couldn't bring behind. It was hurtful to see just how little we could rely on them. I'm still bitter about it today. And now we're crammed in a house with five other people, and it's just... driving me mad. I'm living with a grown man who acts like a toddler. My husbands sted-dad= big ass baby who whines when he doesn't get his way. I'm stuck with him all day, everyday because everyone else is at work. And he's an asshole when they aren't around. Who wants to put up with that every single day? I sure as hell don't. But I have to because this is what was handed to us and we have to make the best of it.

I wish things would go a little better though. It's seems like everything in the past couple months have been nothing but one shit fest after the next, and I'm so exhausted with it all. I keep wondering when things are going to start looking up, but at this point it all seems a little hopeless.

Jul. 13th, 2009

Isn't this supposed to get easier?

Was it easier back then?
Did we lose less, live more, love deeper?
Were we happier?
Was there a time when a bruise didn't meet my skin?
Were the I love you's real?
The scars on my heart are as real as the scars you left across my flesh.
You branded yourself on me.
They haunt me.
Just like you.
Isn't time supposed to make this easier?
Aren't I supposed to be better now?
Why does it still hurt so bad?
You left.
But you didn't leave my heart.
You hide there like a ghost.
I hate you.
I love you.
I miss you like a phatom fucking limb.

-He's embedded himself in my mind and he wont leave.... I'm not sure that I want him to.


Jul. 11th, 2009

Unhappy morning to me :(

Still hate mornings... sigh... some things never change!

Up with the kiddos this morning, Ken's still in bed. So far in the whole hour I've been up I have cleaned, made breakfast, fed the little one, and pulled the toddler out of everything under the fucking sun that he feels the need to get into.

All in all, it's already been an eventful morning.

I just realized the other day that I haven't updated in like for-fucking-ever. So I figured I'd post a little tid bit and catch myself back up. Life's been kind of boring lately. Not too much going on.

Spend a majority of my time working on my fanfic stories and taking care of babies... loads of fun.

And off to get the toddler who's getting into something again.

Confessions will have to come later :(


Apr. 22nd, 2009

why can't he ever get his ass out of bed in the morning?

Running on six hours of sleep is a very difficult thing to do when you've got two kids and you don't drink coffee. Getting up at eight in the morning... not my cup of joe really. And where might you ask is my lovely husband? Still in bed of coarse, snoring loudly and not hearing a damn thing when I call up the stairs for him to get up... he's dead to the world. I've briefly considered filling up my spray water bottle with extremely cold water and spraying him with it. If it wouldn't result in him turning the shower on cold and throwing me in it lol. Another thought, why can't nickelodian ever play a different show, instead of the same damn ones over and over all day? I can only watch so many reruns of spongebob before I want to tear my hair out, my toddler doesn't mind of coarse, but god I've thought about setting spongebob on fire numerous times.

Was supposed to quit smoking last week, yeah, like that happened. I did pretty good actually, four days without a cigarette before every little thing my toddler did got on my nerves and I caved and bought a pack. Doesn't help that each time I tell the husband not to buy another pack he does anyway because he can't control his nocotine urges. So yeah, I'm vowing to quit next week and praying that everything goes well. Someone wish me luck?

Anywho, hopefully the day goes well regardless of running on zero and feeling like I'll drop like a stone and pass out any minute. Real confession of a housewife may come later, right now I'm just mumbling on like some incoherent sleep deprived mother :)

Apr. 14th, 2009

sad, incredibly heart broken sad

So, I never talk about my brother, this will be my first time. Last year on my son birthday he was in a horrible car accident when my grandpas car was hit by a bus. My other brother and granpa walked away unscathed but my brother bradly was pretty fucked up from it. He had part of his skull removed and six plates placed inside his head, and his brain stem was damaged so he's been in a coma ever since and tonights been a hard night.

I called my moms phone earlier which used to be his phone, I was going to leave a message for her when instead of hearing his voicemail message, which is his cracking sixteen year old voice, I hear my other brothers voice placed over it. And I've been crying ever since. It was the only real thing I had left to remind me of him before the accident happened, before he got stuck in a wheel chair with a feeding tube and a scar from a nasty tracheotomy that has left him unable to talk. It was all I had left, the beautiful sound of his voice telling me to leave a message and he'd get back to me, and now it's gone! And I can't stop bawling my eyes out because of it, I often forgot what his voice sounded like because it's been so long since he's talked, we've been told he may never talk again. All I had left to remind me of him, his voice, it's been replaced and it's tearing me upinside. I want to scream at my brother for doing it, I want that voicemail back... now I have nothing left to hold onto of how things were before the accident, I've never been so depressed.

Don't mean to bring anyone else down really, but it's killing me right now :(



Holy crap ola- I've been married to my big baffoon of a husband for two years today, it's so strange to think about. Seems like just yesterday we were told we were going to become a family of three and he placed that ring on my finger- told me he had to have me for the rest of our lives or his life would mean nothing. Those words will always be stuck in my head. Just as much as I can't believe that it'll be four years we've been together this July, I feel like one old bitch. Time's catching up to us everyday, our family of three become a family of four last year and we plan on adding a third addition to our children in the next couple years. If anyone had asked me five years ago if this was where I saw my life being, I honestly would have told them they are fucking nuts- but now, with our quant little rented duplex and kitty, our two kids and every up and down we've faced together- I have never been happier. And we've been through a lot of shit, on both sides of our lives that sometimes I thought would ruin us, but he never gave up on us. And he never gave up on me. I couldn't imagine my life any differently, it wouldn't be my life anymore- it just feels like this is how things were meant to be.

He is my best friend, he's breakfast for dinner and peanut butter hamburgers. He's midnight walks and 2 am world of warcraft obsessions. He's my foundation when I'm falling apart and I'm his boot in the ass when he's being a pain. We fit together in ways I couldn't imagine someone fulfilling me in, I know what it's like to be broken beyond repair and still be willing to give my heart to someone in hopes they don't break it. And he never did, he is my better half and I am proud to call him my husband. I look forward to the next fifty or more years with him, when we're old batties who don't remember each other but we're still willing to sit on the front porch in our rocking chairs side by side. So, wow- two years married and here's to hoping there are many more to come!

That's your daily confession of a housewife... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME :)

Mar. 9th, 2009

teething, tantrums, and the toddler

Ah, marvelous Monday afternoon, kind of.... okay not really. But we'll just lie and say that everything is going super and that I dont have an incredibly dirty house to clean and horribly need a shower and both my children are acting like the little angels that they always are. I keep telling myself to get off my ass but my brain is always procrastinating saying we'll get to it later dont worry, just enjoy your time online and do it when the kids are in bed. But then the day goes by and nightime rolls around and both the kids are sleeping and... well that means more free time so what do I do??? Hope on my trust wireless internet and stay on until I get to bed, tell myself it'll be waiting for me tomorrow. Ugh, I hate cleaning, HATE HATE HATE it, with such a deep seeded passion. Actually, I do pretty good with cleaning the normal rooms, living room and dining room, but  I cant stand cleaning my kitchen, hell I'll do my bathroom before i want to go anywhere near that evil kitchen. I think I may be suffering post traumatic stress disorder of doing dishes since that glass cut my hand open. The fear of getting stitches again compells me to not want anything to do with cleaning anywhere near the kitchen. Yet alone the dishes, I normally just make the husband do em. Hey he had a job as a dish washer before, like its going to kill him to do something he used to... but its like forcing a cat into a bath, it just doesnt work!

My birthday is right around the corner thank god, finally out of these teenage years, the big 2-0 is coming up! Although I doubt its going to make people view me any differently when they see me totting around two kids. I always get that look like... wow you're only how old and have TWO kids? I think they assume I'm younger cause I'm short, I'll admit I cant still pass for fourteen at times, its kind of humiliating! I keep thinking that carting around my new age of twenty will make people see me differently but I doubt it!

And right now i'm counting down the days to the dvd release of twilight like every other diehard fan except I havent seen it before so it'll be a first. Oh and my fixated need for wide awake updates, so I'm on LJ like everyday searching to see if she's added anymore to the story, now THAT is my new addiction. I'm suprised I even find time to read these days, yet alone write anything. This journal right here is a miracle in itself, hell any journal I find time to write is. Believe it or not I'm typing right now with a five month old in my lap who's half eating my arm half fighting to eat my laptop. So thats my daily confession, I'm out!

Mar. 3rd, 2009

Writer's Block: More Island Time

oooh i've always waited for this question, first one is SUPER easy

A book on how to build boats!


If I gained the world

Plain Truth

Walt Whitmans leaves of grass


I've been here a week and still no friends??? Well it just confirms my suspicions that no one likes teen moms... haters! Naw I'm just playing, but seriously, no love? Its leaving me feeling just a little diminshed, but I had a good day yesterday... other than two misbehaving children.I got my stitches out of my hand finally, and we got our two new laptops AND a new samsung flat screen tv. Now all I'm waiting on is my birthday that is coming around the corner in about... twenty seven days and my wedding anniversary next month. I am SO going to the casino and blowing some money and having an exceptionally awesome freakin time!

But I'm cutting this journal a little short today seeing as usual that i've got a five month old screaming that she wants to cling to me... so MAKE ME YOUR FRIEND DAMN IT!!

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